all my smokes are dead

by Niall Spooner-Harvey

© 2007

(written especially for the Last Gasper, 30th June 2007)

my camels passed away

my silkcuts breathed their last today

my B&H lost its pluck

my lucky strikes ran out of luck

all my smokes are dead

i'm so sad i'll smoke in bed

my woodbines forgot what to do and how to do it

my lambert and butlers couldn't get through it any more

my superkings got driven off by a man in a white volvo

my sobranies turned black and fell off

all my smokes are dead

i'm so sad i'll smoke in bed

my gauloises had a revolution

my parliaments dissolved in a solution that was 1 part water to 3 parts prescott

my regals became historic

my hamlets joined up with Yorick

all my smokes are dead.

i'm so sad i'll stay in bed.

my drum rolled off into infinity

my golden virginia lost its virginity

my virginia ready rubbed got rubbed out

my old holborn burnt

all my smokes are dead

i'm so sad i'll smoke in bed

my villigers rebelled and were massacred by government militias

i don't know what happened to my capstans but i do know it was vicious

my university flake caught athlete's foot, went mouldy and was finished off by a brick-like man from the east end

my henri wintermans were strangled by a girl from mars

my kendal mixed banana got told off by the authorities for having a silly name

my JB Nutty mixture was never the same again

my churchills declared war on each other

my black bogey didn't listen to its mother

my flying dutchman failed all his flying lessons and crashed

they put my sir walter raleigh in a bin

and as for what they did to my prince albert

don't ask

in the end there was only one type of tobacco left

the dreaded marlboro lite

friendless even during the days when all of the other cigarettes were alive

before committing hara kiri with a drawing pin

it decided to lead all of britain's newly fagless smokers out

with a bit of a sing song

it said

i know on july 1st

when you woke up and you couldn't smoke any more

you didn't miss me

you missed your pipes

and your big havana cigars

and your posh smelly chocolate-flavoured tobacco

but you didn't miss me

i'm just a marlboro lite

i'm just something to hold while you think about other, better cigarettes

like a short boyfriend or something

but i thought i'd sing you this

so after me

1 2 3 4

we know that it's not right and we know that it's not fair

but on the first day of july we all came up for air

the smell of pipe-smoke in the pub is longer there

so we all beat each other up instead

we know that it's not right and we know that it's not fair

but on the first day of july we all came up for air

the smell of pipe-smoke in the pub is longer there

so we all beat each other up instead

we know that it's not right and we know that it's not fair

but on the first day of july we all came up for air

the smell of pipe-smoke in the pub is longer there

so we all beat each other up instead

cause all our smokes are dead

we're so sad

we'd rather

smoke

in

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!